Separate Survival..

When she was young, we were inseparable.    Joined at the maternal hip.   My only surviving child.   A relationship that I had never enjoyed with my own mother, was mine in her.   I loved her on a level that defies words. Beautiful and serene.

I was therefore completely taken by surprise the day it all changed in a flash; and I have yet to understand it. Perhaps the pain of it all prevents such comprehension. But it is gone, and I am leaving.

She is a stranger to me now.  As if I never knew her.As if I never loved her. As if she never lived.

I cannot start again, I am an old woman now.

I am glad for the time I had…at least.

 

Left Field of Dreams

In my dream he ages.  Once a bright Ginger, now, silver and balding.  For 37 years he has haunted my dreams, yet I do not know his name. I have asked.      More than once..

I remember the first one; I was on my honeymoon at the time, and my new husband was not only the love of my life, but he looked nothing like the man who appeared in my head while I slept, in a tent, on a beach,in Maryland, in 1975.

In the dream, I was reclining on a chaise,on the beach, and there was a man relaxing next to me in a matching chaise.  I looked over his way, and was somewhat surprised that I could not see his face. I knew it was there, I just could not make it out.   As I woke, the feeling of his presence lingered, as well as the glints of red and gold in his long hair.   ‘How odd’, I thought at the time, I have never been attracted to red-headed men, ‘What was that about?’

A few dreams later, standing on a pier near a rocky hill, he appeared in my subconcious-unconcious again; he was standing with his back to me, as I walked bare-foot towards him.    As if aware of my unconcious-subconcious presence, he turned to face me.  His eyes!  I could see his eyes! They were dark blue,laughing triangles, as if he were amused at the reaction I would have upon seeing his face.   He smiled and held out a hand to steady my path across the rocks.  We stood looking out over the water in silence until the sun set, and I have no recollection of when I woke. The feeling of warmth and love lingered, troubling me.

This man was a Viking-sized Ginger, while my own husband was short,dark and dazzlingly handsome.    I began to entertain thoughts of former lives, dual-conciousness’, etc, even madness…but he came in again and again, until there was no denying his existence.   He aged, he changed………. he had long hair,short hair, beard,mustache—— yet his visits were always near the water, always the smell of green somewhere, always the feel of rock and sand beneath my feet.

I know him so well, yet not at all. I am looking for him. Should I find him,it will yank my breath from my ribs..

Defending Myself in a Bull (shit) Fight

It occurred to me today that when dealing with disagreements of emotion, finance,politics and religion, that I could calmly state my humble opinion on the subject, and offer an intelligent,rational basis for the thought behind it.

OR, I could simply walk away, leaving my antagonist to their own egg-faced ruminations..

Today, it was such a case with a woman I have never met, who posted a possessive and jealous statement on a friend’s social network.  My bones yelled out to say……….ah,but I chose instead to walk away.

Time on the clock says it’s autumn

Riding bareback has it’s benefits.   As I race through life, I get to feel the heat,the sweat and the raw muscular tension, keeping me in touch with the experience. Primal, earthy, natural.

But sometimes, as I rest in the cave of solitude, there is no light in the hollow; and I wonder if I change during that time in the darkness. Certainly, I must. I am decaying, and time runs swiftly through my bones. Hurry now, write it down….Image